Dental Appointments and Dr. Leman

Addie had her first dental visit yesterday. We really liked the office we went to. The staff was absolutely wonderful with children, and their treatment of us from the moment we walked in helped me make a very important decision as the visit continued.

When our name was called, we went back and Addie began the shy game. Hiding behind me, covering her mouth, and not doing her best to cooperate. I had already read on the information paperwork that this office was not opposed to parents leaving their children in the exam room with the dental staff, so I decided that I would remove Addie's audience to "perform" her shy game for (me). I picked her up, sat her in the chair, and walked out with Bud.

My heart broke because I have never just left her like that before, but I knew it had to be done. I also remembered Dr. Leman's advice about removing "the audience" so that behavior would change quickly.

A few minutes later, one of the dental assistants came into the waiting room to let me know that Addie was fine and doing a fantastic job and that our dental assistant was getting the cleaning done.  Fifteen minutes later, Addie came out with a goodie bag and a huge smile!

We both survived her first dental visit. No one was worse for the wear. And Bud just wondered what all the fuss was about.......

Book Club Thursday | Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

We are reading through Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  All direct quotes are in bold type.

....Punishment focuses on the child. And like encouragement, discipline focuses on the behavior of the child.


Ephesians 6:4 TLB, tells us to bring up our children "with loving discipline the Lord himself approves."  I have found there are many ways to discipline a child.  These methods make sense, are direct and swift, and they are action-oriented.  Most important, they produce far better results than traditional punishment.

Dr. Leman gives the example of a mother trying to talk on the phone and her child interrupting her.  He says that punishment would be hollering or losing it.  Dr. Leman recommends the loving discipline of removing the child from the situation by excusing yourself momentarily from the conversation, telling the child that he/she may not interrupt needlessly, and putting them in their bedroom.

This was something that we had to work on in our own family, and we chose to follow Dr. Leman's suggestion.  Mom L can attest to the times I've had to excuse myself from the phone.  I would explain to Addie that she cannot interrupt when Mommy is on the phone unless she is hurt, and then I put her in her room until the conversation was over.  We are now at the point that if I have to speak on the phone while she is awake, she will quietly do something beside me until my conversation is over, and then she proudly says, "Mommy, I didn't talk at you while you were on the phone!" at which point she is hugged and thanked for obeying so beautifully.

Punishment teaches a child that because we- their parents- are bigger and stronger, we can push them around.


You can find no better model for Reality Discipline than Jesus Himself during His ministry on earth.  The Lord never beat His disciples over the head. He always dealt with them directly, fairly, and firmly.  He never screamed and hollered.  He never gave evasive answers.  But He always gave His disciples a choice.  He let them learn to be responsible and to choose for themselves.  Jesus was the model teacher of Reality Discipline.


Clearly, God's Word has set up parents with a practical and sound system.  When they work the system correctly, everybody lives a longer and happier life.  When the system is neglected or ignored through extremes like authoritarianism or permissiveness, things do not go well.

God's way is always best.  When the principles laid out for us in the Bible are followed, life is so much easier and filled with more enjoyment.  Brian and I have found that following the Biblical principles in bringing Addie up in loving discipline has made life so much easier for us.  We have a daughter that is pleasant to be around, is generally obedient, and does not have to be constantly corrected because she knows what our expectations of her are. We enjoy her so much, and we thank God for her out loud so that she hears us on a daily basis.

Proverbs 22:6, NIV, reminds us, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  Training up a child means putting time and energy into teaching the child acceptable behavior in any number of social situations.


I believe that as you train up your child with loving discipline, his conscience is developed in such a way that he is more likely to behave properly when you aren't there.

The key word here is training.  And training takes time.  It is an investment that does not always show short term returns.  But as any wise investor knows, the dividends gained in the long term are always greater.  It means taking the reins of your child's spiritual and practical teaching, not leaving it up to the church or other groups or teaching fields. 

Our youth pastor recently preached the sermon at our Youth Appreciation Sunday Service and spoke to the parents about taking their time to invest into their teens.  He told the congregation that he only gets their children for a couple of hours a week, and God has not given him the responsibility to raise their children for the Lord.  He is just a supplement to what should be going on at home.  How true is that! 

Using Reality Discipline in a loving way won't guarantee that your children will always be perfect little angels, but I can guarantee that it will breed more honesty and communication between the two of you.

I have found that in our dealings with Addie, because we do not jump all over her, she is more honest about what she does. For this type of response from her, it does mean that we have to have complete control of our emotions when we are having to lovingly discipline her.  Sometimes it also means that we have to tag team our discipline.  If I feel that I am too upset to discipline Addie, Brian will take over and vice versa.

When it comes to apologizing, Addie is able to specifically name what her offense was without prompting from us.  When children feel like they are going to be devoured when they make a mistake or commit an infraction, they are less likely to own up to what they have done.  We want Addie to always be free to share her faults and struggles with us, but for her to do that, she has to feel completely safe sharing those feelings with us knowing that we will lovingly work with her through each phase in her life. 

Brian and I are also very specific when it is our turn to apologize to each other and to Addie.  We name the specifics of our offense and we forgive each other freely and openly.  Children learn by watching, and they watch like little hawks.  If we want children who are humble and admit their mistakes, we have to be parents who are humble and admit ours as well. And we have to be willing to ask for forgiveness from them when we are wrong.  Humble pie is hard to eat, but it is much easier when eaten in front of a three year old rather than a teenager.

Book Club Thursday | Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

We are currently reading through Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  All direct quotes taken from the book are in bold type.

Chapter 3 | Why Reward and Punishment Do Not Work

I remember the first principal at the academy I taught in for 10 years explaining to a parent that it really should not be a big deal that the child missed out on a particular honor award that year. He said that the student should not be studying merely for the reward he would get, but for the satisfaction of having done his best and for education's sake.  I did not understand at the time.  I thought that if we don't reward them, they aren't going to do what we expect of them.

And that was our wise principal's point.

In the first section of this chapter (another chapter that I am going to break up over a couple of weeks/posts), Dr. Leman gives a few examples and explanations as to why reward does not always work and should not always be used. 

In order for reward and punishment to be effective, the people receiving those rewards and punishments need to buy into the system......but the problem is the children are not buying the way they used to. 

Kids are smart!  They know when they are being bought, and they now live in a society that has taught them that they are equal in authority to adults.  In fact, rather than buying into the system, they are using the system to work in their favor.  They are more than willing to do whatever they are being asked to do because they are expecting a "payday" of sorts. When there is none, they wonder why they even bothered.

If reward and punishment no longer really work as effective disciplinary tools, what should take their place?  I believe we find the answer in Ephesians 6:4, TLB, which talks about "loving discipline." 

The answer to reward and punishment is loving discipline and encouragement. 

Have you ever seen a child light up because they were encouraged?  Or have you seen a child tell someone else that they are doing a good job?  That is the result of encouragement.  Brian and I see that everyday with Addie.  We use a lot of encouragement with her through out the day.  We are constantly telling her that she is doing a good job at this or a great job at that.  We want our words to become of value to her (which is also why we are very careful and protective about the words used in her direction by ourselves and others). 

In fact, just now (as I am typing at 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday afternoon) Addie called me from her bed that she had to go potty.  I told her to come to the bathroom.  The stool we have still leaves her an inch or two short of the toilet, so she still needs helps being put up there.  While she was sitting, I told her how proud I was that she had called and not gone in her bed or pants (not that she does, but children should be praised whenever we find an opportunity).  She looked at me, beaming.  I got the toilet paper, which in our bathroom is on the wall behind the toilet (builder was not a woman!) and Addie took it from me.  She proceeded to take care of business herself and to pull her own underwear and pants up (all things I usually do for her). With each thing she did, I told her how proud I was and what a big girl she was.  Then she looked at me and, with all seriousness, said, "I have to go now.  My Flipper (the old tv series that she absolutely loves) is done and I have to go to bed."  And with that she walked away.

On other days, Addie might just come up to us and say, "Daddy/Mommy, you're doing a good job!", "Great job, Daddy/Mommy!", or "Thank you for working hard, Daddy!"  She has even begun encouraging Ian.  When he kicks (and can this boy kick!), she'll say, "Good job, Little Buddy! Kick Mommy again!"

There is a subtle distinction between reward and encouragement. A lot of that subtle distinction is in the attitude of the parent and the basic guidleines the parent is laying down in the family.

It is always a good idea to avoid associating a child's "goodness" with how well he does a certain task. If (a child has) done a poor job, that would not make him "bad."

This is hard because so many times I want to say, "Oh, Addie, you're such a good girl!" when she does what we ask and she does it well.  But like Dr. Leman says, a child's goodness and how well they complete a task are not one in the same.  It is also one reason I flat out refuse to allow anyone to tell her she is a bad girl (a slip up or a mistake does not equate a child with being bad) and why we refuse to allow her to call anyone else a bad boy/girl. 

What I am trying to get at here is that we must do everything we can to encourage our children and help them see they are not loved only when they perform correctly.  Our ultimate example is God Himself. 

As Josh McDowell points out in his book Givers, Takers, and Other Kinds of Lovers, loving your children if and when is not the answer.  McDowell observes that the only real way to love is to simply say, "I love you."  There are no ifs, or whens, or buts.  You simply communicate in every way you can to your child, "I love you." Our children need to know they are loved absolutely, regardless of how they perform in different areas of their lives.

Another hard time I have is wanting to tell her that I love her when she is obeying beautifully or blowing us away with her intelligence and charm.  We don't ever want her to fall into the trap of thinking that she is loved based on the good things that she does and that she is not loved when she makes a mistake.

Once rather recently, Addie was having a rough day.  After several warnings, she was sent to lie down for her three minute time out.  I don't know where the next comment from her came from because all I said was "Go lie down" as I put on the timer and we have never associated our love as a result of her being good.  Crying, she said, "My doggie (Taffy) doesn't love me anymore."  Okay! Time out is over!  I called her back to the kitchen where I was, sat on the floor, and held her.  I told her that I loved her no matter what she does, how many times she has to go in time out, and no matter what she says.  I told her that Jesus also loved her all of the time.  I also told her that if Taffy didn't love her, he couldn't stay.  Sudden;y, Taffy loved her again, and everything went back to normal.

We are always telling Addie that we love her. It is something that I learned from my own mother.  She was always telling us that she loved us.  She said it in words, in actions, in kind and thoughtful acts.  We knew that we could never do anything to lose Mom's love for us. There are days that I wish I could hear her say it just one more time. 

I want Addie to know the same thing.  She is loved just for being being born to me and Brian.  She is loved when her hair is not in perfect place (pretty much always).  She is loved when I don't understand what she is trying to say.  She is loved when she steps on my toes, hits my nose with her head while playing (oh, did that hurt!), decides to ask me a million and one questions when I am the most tired, decides that she wants to do things her way and not ours, has to be sent to time out, or has a meltdown because she is overtired.  She is always loved.  And I have told her that during each and every one of these situations (although with the nose incident, I had to wait until I wasn't seeing stars anymore and could actually talk).

Use encouragement that zeros in on your child's behavior.  As you respond positively to your child's behavior, he will feel unconditionally loved and approved.

Book Club Thursday | Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

We are reading through Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  All direct quotes are in bold type.

This is the third part of chapter 2 It's All in the Eye of the Beholder | They Learn by Watching You. 

Perhaps the key way children learn as they perceive reality through their own eyes is by watching the adult role models around them.  Obviously, their first role models are Mom and Dad.

Some parents may argue with me, but I still believe that Mother and Dad always remain the key role models for their children.

As a teacher in the Christian school system for 11 years, I couldn't understand how I could pour my heart out to my students, try to live as an example of a Christ follower, teach them Biblical principles on a daily basis, really think I was getting through, only to have to reteach the same lessons and principles the following day.  Years later, quite a few of my former students have contacted me on Face Book and it has been sad and in some cases disturbing to see where their lives have gone.  Why?  Because, as Brian has reminded me countless times as I begin the climb onto my soapbox, I was not/ am not the key role model for them- their parents are. 

Towards the end of my time teaching at the Christian Academy, I had a parent who wanted to meet with me to discuss her daughter's behavior.  Her daughter was becoming overly interested in the male/female physical  relationship, and another girl in the class was contributing to this issue.  The first little girl was constantly trying to be around and spend time with the second girl (even though her mother had already told her to stay away from girl #2), and it was concerning her mother. 

I went to the principal and asked him why the mother wanted to have me discuss this problem. Her daughter was deliberately disobeying the mother. I had done my part by keeping the girls as far from each other as possible when they were in class and any other time that I was overseeing them.  The way I saw it, I was only going to be around for another 4 weeks, but this mother was going to have to deal with her daughter for the rest of her life.  If she couldn't deal with this issue, I didn't understand what I was supposed to do for them.

What was the real issue?  Mother was dating.  The second little girl's father was living with his girlfriend. If parents are not careful in these types of situations, curiosity towards more mature things arise in 10 and 11 year olds.

Sending our kids to church, having them involved in every children's program and youth program and activity, making sure they are there every time the doors are open, and putting them in Christian school is nice, but that is not where our children will look to see how God expects them to live.  They look to us as parents.  If our own walk with the Lord is mediocre at best, then can we truly expect our children to even bother with serving the Lord when they see Christ as a Sunday morning deal and once they feel they are old enough they are going to give their Sunday mornings to other things... or just sleeping in.

I believe the that possibly the best way to be a good role model for your children is to be honest.  Children, you see, start out by being totally honest.  They may learn deception and deviousness down the line, but they start out with a very open and honest approach to life.  I urge parents to be as direct and honest with their children as possible, starting when they are very young.


All this may sound scary to some parents who have been trained to always look as if they are in control and "competent".


When the child learns that his parents are truly dependent upon the grace of God and that they need God's help, he will see that God is very real and not just a "belief" that is talked about in an abstract way.


Being this kind of role model may sound a bit daring, but I believe it's well worth the risk.  He are some reasons:

1. Through your honesty children learn that it's okay to be less than perfect.
2. As you model honesty before your child, you have tremendous opportunities to build intimacy and a strong parent-child relationship.
3. As you model honesty you have opportunities to share in your faith in God with your child.

This blog is proof that I don't know everything there is about parenting, that I am learning on a daily basis, that I make mistakes, and that I need the Lord for wisdom, strength, and forgiveness- constantly.  As Addie gets older and is curious about what I have written, she will see in black and white that Mommy is not perfect (very hard for a first-born to admit).  Is this the only place that she will come to that conclusion?  No.  I have had to say, "I'm sorry, Jesus.  I'm sorry, Addie," when I have not looked at the entire situation before making a decision and then found that I was wrong.

Is it easy to do?  Honestly, because I decided from the beginning that I would be honest with Addie when the fault is mine, it has been easier than I expected.  The first time was probably the hardest (and I can't even remember when it was), but as time has gone on, it has become easier.  And because she is such a smart girl, she would easily know if my pride was getting in the way or if I was being honest with her.  I want her to always know that Mommy values her relationship with the Lord and with Addie more than her pride. 

Addie has also heard me ask God for help regardless of the situation whether I am asking for wisdom in how to handle a situation concerning her, hanging laundry and just talking openly with Him, or asking Him to help me open a jar of peanut butter (there were two jars that were impossible to open!).  Addie thinks that if we take a walk around our house it is because we are going to pray. In fact, one day, Addie decided to lead me on the walk and began praying on her own.

Making sure that our children see our life, our dependence on the Lord, and our walk is very important to us.  It is a priority.  I pray that one day, Addie and Ian come to us and say, "Mom, Dad, thanks for living in a very real way for us.  Our relationship with the Lord is strong because of it."

Reality Discipline is something that must be practiced by both parents in a consistent and coordinated way.  I am so thankful for a husband who is on my team.  We check with each other to see if Addie is asking for something that the other has already said "no" to.  We back each other up.  We stand up for each other.  It is important that our children see us as a united team.  And as the one who is here all day, it is so nice having Brian come home and know that he is going to reinforce everything that I have said and done during the day.  It's called teamwork... and it is a beautiful thing.

Book Club Thursday | Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

We are reading through the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  All direct quotes from the book are in bold type.

Last week we looked at the first part of chapter 2 "It's All In the Eye of the Beholder."  Today we will look at the 2nd part.  It's all about power trips......

Getting away for even a few hours may sound great to many mothers, but sme of them might wonder, What if my child needs me?  That's just the point.  Your child doesn't need you all of the time.

Mother needs to treat herself fairly and not become a slave to her children.  If Mom is always there to meet every little need the child has, child soon becomes psychologically crippled by believing that he can exist only with Mom's presence.  Another part of the "Mom is always there" syndrome is that the child learns there is a payoff in crying and fussing.

When I first became a mother I thought this idea was ridiculous.  I couldn't remember my mother "getting away".  And then I thought about it.  She did get away, but she never treated it like she was getting away from us.  We never were made to feel that she needed a break from us.  Mothers can have some time alone without making their children that they are the reason Mommy needs to get away.  I have since learned how to leave Addie with Brian, my mother-in-law, or my aunt and "get away" for a hair cut, scrapbooking with the ladies, grocery shopping, a date woth Brian, a doctor's appointment, etc..  And you know what?  Addie has survived!

As I counsel parents and their children, I see repeated illustrations of how children learn through experimenting with power. To put it in today's jargon, the child takes "power trips" to see who is going to dominate, control, win, or "be the boss." And with every power trip, the child learns a little more about what works and doesn't work with Mom and Dad.

Powerful behavior is a child's way of saying to the parent and other adults, "I can control you. I can dominate you. I can win. I can make you do anything I want."

When a child uses his temper to say, "I'm going to control you, Mom and Dad," they had better be ready to deal with the child swiftly, and with action, not just words.

On Tuesday, we had a real life incident like this happen at the park, of all places, during Brian's softball game.  Our rule is that we can play on the equipment until the first inning (Brian has a 30 minute warm-up period) and then we have to watch the game until Daddy hits the ball the first time.  Then we can go back to the equipment. 

We went to the bleachers to wait for Daddy to hit.  Addie began walking across the bleachers stomping (did you know what a wonderful sound bleachers make when you stomp at them?).  However, because we were not the only people on the bleachers, I told her that she needed to stop.  And that is when our little situation began.  She wanted to start stomping again.  She wanted to go to the equipment to play.  I told her that if her behavior did not stop, we were going to the car for a three minute time out.  I'm assuming by her behavior that her three year old mind thought, "Mommy can't be serious!" 

But Mommy was. 

Just as Daddy was walking up to the plate, Mommy began carrying a crying Addie off. I did stand off to the side to watch my man hit (and he did make it on base) and then we continued on to the car.  We sat inside for three minutes (air conditioning on) and we talked.  I explained that if this behavior continued, we would not be returning to the park in the future.  From that point on, any instructions that I gave her were listened to and obeyed without a fuss or complaint. Once our three minutes were up, we went and sat on a bench for a while and watched the game until it was Daddy's turn to bat again.  This time, we went to the fence and cheered him on (he was out at first) and then she was allowed to return to the equipment.  And she understood why she was in trouble also.  Into the next day, she was telling us how she did not obey Mommy at the park and how she was obeying Mommy now.

I believe the best approach to a temper tantrum is for the parent to pick up the child and place him in his room.  Close the door behind him and let him know that he is free to have his temper tantrum in private, and that when he has calmed down, he can rejoin the rest of the family.

When you attempt to try and stop a temper tantrum with pleading, arguing, scolding, or spanking, you usually end up with the child becoming more powerful and out of control.  But if you have the courage to pick up your child and place him outside the room, you can be almost positive the temper tantrum will vanish immediately.  Why? Because you've taken the source of power away: you have separated yourself from the scene the child is making for your benefit.

I tell mothers and fathers who face these public temper tantrums to do something very courageous: simply step over your child. (Granted, there is a great temptation to step on the child, but you are after positive results, not revenge.)

I had never heard of this approach to a tantrum before, but it does make sense.  We do send Addie to her room when she becomes a fussy during the day to calm down.  Within a few minutes she comes back and says, "Mommy, I'm sorry."  She is hugged, we pray, and then we move on. 

I've mentioned in the past how once when I was hanging clothes in our closet, Addie came in and saw some of the school things I had.  She wanted me to let her play with them and I said no.  She began whining. I left her standing in my closet and moved on to another room.  A few minutes later, she came up behind me (not fussing or crying) and said, "But Mommy, I'm crying!"

However you deal with powerful and purposive behavior, always keep in mind that every time your child takes a power trip, he or she is on another expedition of learning. If he gets away with his power plays, he learns that reality is manipulating and controlling Mom and Dad as much as possible. 

As parents, we need to hold the authority that God has given us, but we need to do it with a loving heart.  We need to take the time to teach our children through their times of correction about the behavior that God wants them to exhibit in their lives.  Sometimes we will have embarrassing moments, sometimes we will have moments of great pride.  But if we take the time to teach our children, rather than being quick and convenient-for-us about the correction we give, we can be assured that the lessons will reach their hearts and not just settle in their memory.

Book Club Thursday| Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

We are reading through the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman. All direct quotes are in bold type.

Chapter 2: It's All in the Eye of the Beholder

This chapter was chock full of information and examples of how to approach our children and what they perceive as reality.  I think one of the most important quotes to remember in regards to our children is: One of your major goals in using Reality Discipline is to help your child think and learn.  But in order to be successful, you have to understand what reality is- particularly for your child.  What precisely happened, or what precisely is going on, is not really the issue.  It is what a child thinks that counts.  Your child's perception of what is happening is the reality you must deal with. 

As mothers or constant caregivers of small children, we are immersed in their worlds all day long.  We are the ones who understand their language, what they are talking about when others ask, "What are they saying?", and where their thought processes have taken them.  When dealing with our children to correct a behavior, we need to understand what their young minds are perceiving as reality.  Is it harder work than just meting out a punishment? Yes. Does it mean we have to think before we act? Yes. Does it mean that we have to put in effort and time and love and patience? Yes.

A very real example happened for us yesterday.  For Addie's breakfast, I asked her what she wanted to eat (I occasionally allow her to chose).  She said pancakes.  I gave her a blueberry pancake (her two favorite things in one) and three strawberries.  She ate the strawberries (I think she inhaled them!) and then said she didn't want the pancake.  I reminded her that if she did not eat the pancake, she would not be eating again until lunch time (it was about 8:00 when this happened).  She insisted that she did not want to eat her pancake.  I covered her plate, put it in the fridge, and told her that we would not eat again until lunch time.  Throughout the morning, she would quietly mention that she was hungry (and it broke my heart!).  I would just remind her that she had not eaten her breakfast and we needed to wait for lunchtime to eat again and then we would move on with whatever we were doing (singing songs, school work, reading stories). If her pediatrician had not recommended this method to me, I don't know that I would have actually tried it on my own.   

At lunchtime, I pulled her pancake back out, reheated it, and made my lunch.  I found her sitting at her chair ready to eat.  She told me that she didn't want her pancake.  In turn, I said that we were not wasting food, and if she wanted to wait until dinner to eat that was fine (I was praying and hoping that she was not as stubborn as ...ahem...her mother).  I think that pancake was gone in a matter of ten minutes!  The reality for her was that if she refused what she had asked for and what Mommy served her, she would have to wait for the next meal to eat and her tummy was not going to put up with that.

In chapter 2, Dr. Leman covers three different ways that children learn and how they see reality: Birth Order, "Power trips", and by Watching Us.  However, because of the depth that he goes into in each of these categories, we will only be covering Birth Order today.  Next week, we will cover the other two.

Birth Order

Dr. Leman explains birth order and its tendencies in a family having three children.  If there are more or fewer children then the personality traits differ in the last two categories.  He is very clear to point out that these are not absolutes, but are the tendencies that he has observed as he has counseled hundreds of children and their families and has researched the studies of others who have found these same tendencies in their studies.  As you look through these traits, see which ones apply to you, your spouse and your children.

Firstborns are often achievers, They tend to walk and talk earlier and they have a larger vocabulary at a younger age. Firstborns tend to be perfectionistic and will face new situations and challenges with a great deal of caution.  Firstborns don't like making mistakes.  Firstborns have a unique need to be right and "perfect" every time.

Second born children tend to be the opposite of firstborns in many ways.  The second-born usually has life a little bit easier than his older brother or sister, who probably served as something of a guinea pig. Second-borns often (but not always) wind up as the "middle-child." Because they seem to wind up in the middle in just about everything, they tend to be mediators.  Middle-born children like to avoid conflict as much as they can, but they are not weaklings by any sense of the term.  They usually know how to fend for themselves because they have landed between two very special people in the family- the oldest and the youngest.

The child born third in the family often winds up the youngest. The youngest child tend to be outgoing, personable, and manipulative.

Dr. Leman goes on to say that because of these tendencies in children because of their birth order, they will perceive life and reality differently because of where they land in the birth order.   He goes on to remind parents to question themselves if they are making each child feel loved and appreciated and to make sure they understand the pressures and tensions going on in their family.  If you are interested in reading more about the birth order, Dr. Leman has written a book called The Birth Order.

That's why it's always absolutely vital to discipline a child by making him accountable for his actions instead of punishing the child with verbal or physical abuse.

One particular part of this section that was wonderful for us in our situation was concerning the addition of a new baby and how to help the older (and in our case, only) child feel less intruded upon.  He says, "Mom should talk to her firstborn while she is pregnant and explain what is happening and just what is growing inside her tummy.  She can let the firstborn feel his (her) little brother or sister kicking inside."

   In every way she can, many months before the second child arrives, Mother can be programming her firstborn to be prepared for baby brother or sister and to be aware that the new arrival is going to take some of Mom's time, too.

   Once the second-born child arrives, the parents should do everything they can to involve the firstborn in its care.

Before my sister Faye was born, my mother drew some pictures and wrote a little story about a little girl named Suzette (me) and how excited she was because her mommy was going to have a baby.  In the pictures, Mom drew herself as a stick figure with a big belly and a little baby stick figure inside the belly.  In the story, Suzette shared her toys with the baby, loved the baby, and called the baby her friend.  I was so prepared for this little baby to arrive (in those days, we didn't know if it would be a boy or girl), that when my parents finally brought Faye home from the hospital, I crawled onto my parents' bed, where they had laid her, and asked her if she wanted to play with me.  What a let down when I was told that she was too small to play!  As we grew up, we became very close although there was a five year difference between us. 

We have been trying to prepare Addie in the same way for Ian's arrival.  When I feel my little mister kicking, I pull Addie over and put her hand on my belly.  We talk about Addie sharing her toys with Ian (yesterday, she was ready to share Taffy with him!). It was really important to us that Addie be there for the ultrasound also so she could see the baby that we talk so much about. We are even reading a book titled I'm a Big Sister! by Ronne Randall (thanks to GrandTiti), and I allow her to interrupt and ask questions throughout the story. She has already decided that she is going to help me changed the diapers, feed him a bottle (don't know how we are going to approach that subject yet since we will be nursing), and two nights ago, she said that Ian was going to sleep with her in her bed.

Before we decided to have our second child, we were told that we wanted to have them close together (sorry, but I don't care for people telling me what I want) because we wanted them to grow up to be close.  I would just say in return that my sister and I were 5 years apart and we were still close.  It all has to do with the preparation that parents put in to their children and the nurture and relationship that the parents encourage and cultivate daily between the siblings once they are here.  Believe me, I know many families where the children are close in age and that is all the closeness they have. 

Kristi and John from Team Mac are a great example of parents who nuture and cultivate the relationship between their children.  In fact, yesterday, Kristi told me about the Berenstein Bears movies that she has been getting from the library.  It is a cartoon show about a family of bears, and it has a brother and sister bear who share a great relationship.  We want to expose our children to what we want them to see as normal behavior, not what society says is normal. 

One thing is certain: each child is unique. 

I'll be talking much more on this topic tomorrow as it is one that is a sensitive area for me.  God did not create children from a cookie cutter.  He made them all unique and different with different learning styles, different types of intelligence (not levels, but types), different personalities, different like and dislikes, and the list goes on.  When we try to force each child into the mold we think they should fit into, or the mold that will make life easier for us, we are hurting them far more than helping them... and we are teaching them to compare themselves to others.... but more on this tomorrow. 

Book Club Thursday | Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours

Unfortunately, the post dealing with the forward and the concept of Reality Discipline has been lost somewhere out in cyberspace.  Today's post deals only with chapter 1.  Hopefully, this post will not be lost, too.

We are reading through the book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  All direct quotes from the book are in bold type.

Children who have been given love without discipline are often disrespectful and/or too dependant on their parents.  We live in a generation who frowns upon being strict and giving discipline to children.  Yet, we also live in a generation that is the most disrespectful towards any type of authority.  Police officers are not viewed with the respect they deserve. Teachers are spoken to and treated disrespectfully by parents and students alike.  Why? Because if children are not taught discipline by their parents and have no respect for them, it is impossible to expect them to show respect for any other kind of authority.

Many parents often get brainwashed with the idea that nurture is built on doing everything for their children and making all decisions for them.  From my earlier posts here on the blog, you know that I was that kind of parent.  I wanted to do everything for Addie.  I wanted to protect her from anything every happening to her to the point that I held her back from trying new foods because I was afraid she would choke.  Because of the control I thought I was supposed to have over her, she did not start eating "real" food until a month before her 2nd birthday.  Thankfully, we are both past that time (and she eats anything) and I have learned that holding on too tightly in an effort to "protect" my child will actually cripple her.

But what Sande's doctor was telling us was that even during infancy a parent needs to start building discipline into a child's life. Putting a child on a schedule of one kind or another- for example, feeding, sleeping- begins to put order into the child's life. You know that I am an advocate for schedules. Addie has been on a feeding/sleeping schedule since she was a few weeks old.  For a short (one week) period I was swayed by someone I know to "let the baby tell you what they need."  I had seen this person years before with her two small children and she seemed so bound to them and their "schedule", and, at the time, I dreaded motherhood (I was still single at the time).  But I thought I would try it. It was horrible! Addie always seemed agitated and I quickly realized that I was giving this small person who had no concept of time the control over our time and as adults we had schedules.  I had also put her in charge of telling me what she needed, and that was too much responsibility for an infant.  When I took back control of her schedule, she suddenly became the most content baby and even began sleeping through the night.  (By the way, tomorrow, I will be talking about our schedule here in our home as it has changed since August)

I believe that a critical need in homes today is that they become the kind of environment in which children can learn more about themselves. Home should be a place where children can make mistakes as they try some things they have decided on their own.  My mother always told us that the place for us to make mistakes was at home so that when we were in public we would not make those mistakes.  Home needs to feel safe for our children.  Face it, we would rather them bounce their ideas off of us in order to give them guidance than for them to feel safer sharing with their friends who are never going to look out for our children's best interest.  When our children come to us with an idea, the best way to insure that they will keep coming back to us is to talk with them, not shoot their ideas down, laugh at them, or make them feel ridiculous.

The Scripture tells us to be in authority over our children, but notice that it doesn't say to be authoritarian.

The authoritarian parent often backs up his "I know best" attitude with force, but that is not what the " loving discipline" of Ephesians 6:4 is talking about. Perhaps the most misused (not to mention misquoted) verse in the Bible is, "Spare the rod and spoil the child." The actual text reads: "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him" (Proverbs 13:24 NIV). 

The Jews believed in discipline, true, but when biblical writers used the word rod they were thinking more of correction and guidance rather than hitting and beating.  For example, the shepherd used his rod not to beat his sheep but to guide them.  Discipline must be given in a way that will guide our children, not crush them or scare them into a false submission.  God told the Israelites, "I am putting before you a blessing and a curse...... Life and death.  Therefore, choose life."  God told the Israelites all of the benefits of obedience and all of the consequences of disobedience and then let the people choose. 

Brian and I have been working on choices with Addie.  Reality Discipline means having to think quickly what the choices are for your child and then offering them so that the child can make a decision, based on the facts, on how their behavior should be.  For example, quite some time ago, Addie and I were having our school time.  Addie handed her crayon over to me and said, "Mommy color." (her vocabulary is much better now).  Instead of saying, "No, this is Addie's work. You color," I thought fast about what her options were.  I told her, "Here is your choice.  You can color the rest of your page or you can go lie down for two minutes."  She thought for half a second and said, "Addie color", and finished her page.

There is some strange confusion in the minds of many parents about what makes a child "good" or well-behaved.  They seem to prefer the child who is submissive, palatable, and easy to lead- sort of like a puppy.  I, too, want my children to be well behaved, but I'm not so sure I want them to be easily controlled by others.  I am not going to beat around the bush on this one.  Addie has a very strong will (don't know where she gets that from).  At first, after hearing some one's (who has submissive, palatable, and easy to lead children) flippant comments, Brian and I thought we were doing something wrong.  Then after watching a video by Dr. James Dobson called The Strong Willed Child, we realized that God can use that strong will if we, as parents, train her will to follow the Lord's guidance and teach her from God's Word about the convictions that God speaks of, she will be impossible to be moved. And that has been our goal ever since.  Teaching her to love Jesus, to please Him in all of her ways, and to obey us (and us having to think about everything we say to make sure we are not saying "no" for no good reason) has been the best journey we have taken so far down this road called parenting.   

The most important thing is that the parent move quickly in every case to give the child the guidance and direction he needs to become a responsible and accountable person.  Once, last year sometime, I had just finished putting some laundry away and the basket was still on the living room floor.  I allowed Addie to play in the basket but told her not to stand up and lean over the side or I would take the basket away.  Mom L called and I moved on to my next "thing-to-do" as we chatted.  I looked over and saw Addie standing and leaning over the side of the laundry basket.  I excused myself from the conversation for a moment and picked Addie up out of the basket.  I put the basket back up on the rack in the laundry room and continued with my conversation with Mom.  After saying goodbye, I sat Addie down and asked her if she knew why I had taken the basket away.  She looked at me and said, "I stand up.  Mommy say no stand up." 

Authoritative parents do not dominate their children and make all decisions for them. Instead, they use the principles of Reality Discipline, which are tailor-made to give children the loving correction and training the Lord approves. (Ephesians 6:4).

How does it all work? Well, suppose your seven-year-old breaks a toy belonging to another child.  What should you do? What type of discipline is needed in this situation? I believe the discipline ought to be based on Reality. The reality of this situation is that if you break someone else's property, you pay for it.

With Reality Discipline, you can hold the child accountable for what he has chosen to do as you teach him the consequences of making a poor decision.

I believe that parenting and disciplining children in an authoritative way involves at least three things:

1. Discipline by way of action.  The discipline should be swift, direct, effective, and as closely tied to the violation of the family rule as possible.

2. Parents must listen  to their children. We've got to be aware of our children and how they perceive life.

3. Parents should give themselves to their children.  Giving of yourself (not things) to your children is an essential ingredient for effective discipline.  In trying to find time for your children, don't worry too much about how much "quality" is in it.  Give them all the time you can and the quality will take care of itself.

Our best days are the ones when I give all of my time to Addie.  I listen to her and try understanding how her mind is working and perceiving the world around her (not always easy and sometimes it takes bouncing our conversations off of Brian for a fresh, new perspective).  I have noticed that she and I can be in the same room, sitting right next to each other, but she will say, "Mommy, I can't see you," if my attention is elsewhere.  Her seeing my eyes and face engaged in whatever she is doing is all that she is asking for.  And yes, she does understand that Mommy has responsibilities in the house that have to be taken care of.  But when I am with her, she wants me to truly be with her.  

I will give Dr. Leman the last word here.   

In summary, never forget that children expect adults to discipline them. If the discipline is loving, it will be geared toward instruction, teaching, guiding, and, above all, holding a child accountable for his or her actions.